That ’70s Show: 10 Best Michael Kelso Quotes
Michael Kelso is probably the dumbest character on That '70s Show, but that makes for some of the best quotes
That ’70s Show followed six friends as they grew up in Point Place, Wisconsin. The six of them traversed the typical high school pitfalls all while being set in the late 1970s. That ’70s Show is getting a reboot on Netflix called That ’90s Show. That reboot is causing many fans to revisit the coming of age sitcom that ran in the late 1990s and early 2000s.
For fans of the show, there were many iconic quotes from all the main characters. But one that delivered many of the funniest, yet stupidest, lines was Michael Kelso. The dumbest member of the group could be quite quotable when he was on his game.
10You Know What Your Problem Is? I’m Too Good-Looking
Michael Kelso, played by Ashton Kutcher, delivered this line to Hyde in episode eight of season seven entitled Angie. In this episode, Hyde is upset at his newly found sister because she is trying to take over their dad’s record store. Kelso would deliver it at least one other time during the episode.
This quote perfectly encapsulates Kelso’s vanity. He’s not smart, but he knows most women find him attractive. He has decided to use that to his advantage any time he can. And when he can’t use it to his advantage, he will still point it out because it makes him feel better.
9I’m The Best Looking Person In This Room
More vanity from Kelso, although this one wasn’t spoken out loud. This came from episode two of season three entitled Red Sees Red. After Red learns about the gang’s habits in the basement, he is sitting down there with them to make sure they don’t get in a circle. That leaves all of them alone with their thoughts and, unsurprisingly, Kelso’s thoughts are about himself.
After deciding he is the best looking person in the basement, he sets his sights bigger. He decides he is the best looking person in Point Place and the entire state of Wisconsin while laughing about his own vanity.
8Why Don’t You Think The Martians Won’t Land Here? Because They’re Green, And They Know People Are Going To Make Fun Of Them
A rare moment of Kelso being a good guy is highlighted by the fact that even in his best moments, he’s still really dumb. Kelso delivered this line to Fez in episode 19 of season five entitled Bring It On Home. Kelso was trying to comfort Fez after his girlfriend’s parents revealed to him, they are racist because they won’t let their white daughter date someone who isn’t white.
It’s not the most poignant look at racism in television history, but it didn’t have to be. It addressed the subject in a way that is true to That ’70s Show. And while Kelso’s vanity would make him a bad friend at times, this is one of his purest moments where he just wants to comfort his friend.
7My Mind’s Always Doing Things That I Don’t Even Know About
The guys come up with some weird things in the circle. Kelso delivered this gem while he, Eric, Hyde and Fez were lighting up in episode seven of season one entitled That Disco Episode. The guys think they are coming up with some great ideas while under the effects of cannabis but the best are always forgotten.
While all the guys deliver funny lines that are downright silly at best, this one from Kelso takes the cake. It leads to Eric getting the tape recorder which pays off in a big way at the end of the episode when the guys find out just how stupid they actually sound.
6Fez, The Foundation Of Every Good Relationship Is Three Words: I Don’t Know
Kelso dispenses relationship advice to Fez in episode eleven of season four entitled The Third Wheel. Fez is trying to tell Kelso what he should do with Jackie, but Kelso responds with this underappreciated line that keeps the audience laughing upon every re-watch.
Kelso is certainly dumb, but he’s intent to look dumber than he actually is because he thinks it’s a relationship foundation. His explanation leads to Hyde using the phrase “I don’t know” to answer both his girlfriend and his best friend, Eric, in the immediate aftermath of this conversation. It appears to work for both Kelso and Hyde.
5Well Damn Jackie, That Could Be Anybody
Kelso’s first breakup with Jackie leads to an awkward lead up to prom and a rare admission from Kelso. He delivers this line when Jackie tells him she has a prom date who is “better than him in every way” in episode 19 of season one entitled Prom Night.
Kelso is going to prom with Pam Macy, but he still wants to be with Jackie at this point. Jackie is actually lying to Kelso at this point because she doesn’t have a date, but she wants him to think she does. It’s an amazing self-deprecating line that kind of lets the viewer know that Kelso has low self-esteem in his not-so-vain moments.
4I Need To Chop Down A Tree
Kelso makes up the most ridiculous lie and somehow still manages to convince Red that Eric has done something wrong in episode 23 of season four entitled Hyde’s Birthday. When Red catches Kelso going through the tools in his garage, Kelso tells him Eric threw a rabbit in a tree, and he needed to chop it down.
It’s a downright crazy lie that should never have been able to sway Red, but Kelso is able to convince Red that Eric actually threw a rabbit into a tree. That probably says more about Red’s relationship with Eric than anything else, but it was still a hysterical line from Kelso.
3I Have The Three Things That Women Want: I’m Hot, And I’m Smart
Kelso’s vanity is once again on display in That ’70s Show when he gets his feelings hurt by Jackie in episode five of season three entitled Roller Disco. When the roller disco comes to town, Jackie wants Hyde to be her partner. He refuses and Kelso offers to step in, but Jackie rejects him. Later in the circle, Jackie’s rejection leads to him delivering this line.
It’s clear by the line he’s selfish and immature as well as dumb. But it’s a gateway to his vanity, because Donna points out that he only listed two things and Kelso tells her that hot counts twice.
2Damn Jackie, I Can’t Control The Weather
Kelso is trying to get back in Jackie’s good graces but keeps missing the good boyfriend cues in episode ten of season three entitled Ice Shack. Kelso, Jackie, Fez, Eric and Donna have all gone up to the ice shack. When Donna is cold, Eric gives her his jacket. Jackie is also cold and when she tells this to Kelso, he responds with this selfish gem.
Eventually, Kelso is able to recover from this faux pas as he and Jackie win a version of the Newlywed Game the gang plays at the ice shack. While they would find their rhythm, this line serves as a reminder to how far apart Jackie and Kelso were at the time.
This is the perfect line to describe Michael Kelso. He loves a good putdown as long as it’s good-natured. Any time someone is trading snaps and someone delivers a beauty, Kelso is there to deliver a sick “BURN!”
This is a line that he delivers too many times to count throughout the series. He delivers it several times each season and a few times, he delivers it several times an episode. Any list about Red quotes has to have a “foot in the ass.” Any list about Fez quotes has to have “I said good day.” And any list about Kelso quotes has to have “BURN!”
That ’90s Show is available on Netflix